all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
