Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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