connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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