My Higher Power is John Stamos
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
