hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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