well I can't set my house on fire every night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
