i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
