She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
