2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
