I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
