She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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