It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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