I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
