I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
