My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I met the friendliest cop last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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