I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
