You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
