i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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