Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
