oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
