planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pants are for mortals
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
