youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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