After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
