Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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