Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My ATM looks so different sober.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
