My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im six kinds of drunk right now
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
