I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He better not be in your backpack
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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