He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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