he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
