i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i need some magic done to my vagina
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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