she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They took my balls.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
