Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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