so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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