you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
