My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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