dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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