Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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