ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
