he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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