we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
