About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
