She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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