just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
