I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
