...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
