writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
