so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
