My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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