i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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