i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
