I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
