Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
