i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
