Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
