Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
