somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
