please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
