Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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